Christmas is coming...

I have no idea where time has gone..... but Christmas will be here in 21 days.... I swear summer just finished and now all of a sudden we're getting our first snow fall. What has happened? Well, a lot- to put it simply. Jeff in the ICU for 9 days with his brain tumor.... and then home recovering after that--- well that just about took up the entire fall. Meanwhile Bubba spent most of that time in and out of hospital himself.. then rehab to follow. His death on Novemebr 14th is the most difficult thing I've ever experienced in my life. It made Jeff's survival all that more eye-opening and real. Of course during his hospital stay I thought a million times what it would be life if this tumor meant the end of him.... but imagining things and the reality of it are two completely different things. I've never had someone extremely close to me die before. I've never had that sick, achey feeling all over... I've never woken up every morning to that sad feeling that hits you the nano-second you open your eyes. Never. And dealing with that knowing that Bubba was so sick for so long, and so tired of fighting, was one thing. One horrible thing. But if it were Jeff- it would have been tragic, unimaginable.... whatever I thought about in that hospital room with him is nothing compared to what the actuality of that event would have been. And I am infinitely glad I should not have to know that loss for a VERY long time.

Still Christmas is coming. The day I most enjoyed seeing Bubba's smile... eating his infamous eggplant, watching him shake the packages to guess his gifts- and being bummed that he'd ruin the element of surprise by guessing so accurately so often. I'll miss him putting on hats and gloves and whatever other gift might fit on any given appendage. I'll miss him asking how "his Jen" is.... and what my favorite present is.....

I'll worry about Gram, like I've done every day for almost 3 weeks. Worried about how sad she must be... that she can find a way to be happy the rest of her life. To learn to enjoy a new routine that doesn't involve her being a caretaker for so much of every day.

And yet, I'm happy too. I love this time of year. I love the music and the decorations. I love that my shopping is almost done and that I'm making a few handmade projects that I'll be proud to give as gifts. I love that Dan's family and my family are eating at separate times so we can actually spend some time together that day. I love that Dan is so excited to come to Susan's for Christmas Eve and that we're going to wow everyone with the pajamas we're going to wear to tease Susan :) I love that there's a lot to laugh about.